“Please wake up”.

Don’t leave us.

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“Please wake up”.

There I was, in the first grade at six years young, witnessing my own mother attempting to commit suicide. I was so young I didn’t actually know what was happening, but I did know that she wasn’t breathing. It was the four of us, and we were crying our eyes out hoping she would wake up. “Please wake up” I said as tears fall down my cheeks and onto my shirt. Just please wake up.

Just kids.

Typically, most people won’t have to live through these kinds of moments at such a young age. Normally, kids and families shower each other with love and affection, have family picnics with friends and relatives, enjoy their childhood, and not have to face the harsh realities of death, sadness, depression and loneliness at a young age.

My mother faced many demons, many of which I didn’t know about till much later (and many more that I still am not aware of). When we were growing up, we lived through an extremely rough childhood as my father would constantly scream and shout at us while our mother would guzzle another 12-pack of bud-light. And after that, my dad would go on to scream at our mother, which then our mother would scream right back at us. We were just kids….

Every day felt like misery; there were so many memories of me crying in my bed, praying I wouldn’t be screamed at again. My siblings went through the exact emotions – we would fear our lives.

Never forgotten

I’m 31 years old now, but those memories have never disappeared. Sometimes I let it motivate him to do better, to achieve more, and to continue pushing. But at times, those memories stick like mud in my head – I’m constantly reminded of it. And it sucks, for lack of a better term.

My mother ended up passing away almost 15 years ago from a liver disease while I was still in high school. And yet again, just like that moment in 1st grade, we were all there to witness her death. I witnessed her last breath, down to the last hour and minute. I have never, nor will I ever, forget that moment.

Together With You.

For those who have experienced something similar, just know that I empathize with you. I cry for you, because I know what it was like. It’s extremely painful, and sometimes there is no one else who can understand. But I do. There are people out there who have experienced something similar, and I hope our voices are heard.

 

Love,

One Man Party

 

 

Your Belief In You

Your belief in you. Believe.

“I can’t do this.”

“I’ve never done this before.”

“Why does it matter. I’ll fail anyways.”

How many times have you or someone else you know say this? Personally, I’ve said this many times throughout my life. It’s always been so challenging because  I’ve passed up on good opportunities due to the lack of self-belief. But why do we think this way?

Growing up, I’ve had to be my own champion. I had to pump myself up before big events, whether it was interviewing for a new job or competing in a grappling tournament. Rarely did I have something nearby to help say, “You can do this. Believe in yourself.” Rather, the opposite and would go something to the effect of, “You could get hurt! Why bother? It’s a waste of time!” I recall those moments, and yes, at times they would be glued to me.

Now much older, I believe more than ever we need to be our own champions in life. We need to tell ourselves that it’s possible, that we have the ability to mold our circumstances, that we have to be intrinsically motivated. We need to fight for what we want.

I remember the first time I stepped into the cage for my MMA debut. It was easily the most nerving and surreal moment of my life. I mean, I was about to step into a cage, in front of 100’s of strangers, with another man who wants to break me. I was ready to face the very real possibility that I could have my arm snapped off or be knocked unconscious.

But I also believed in myself I was ready. And why?

I had spent a near 2 month training camp, sparring week in and week out with the best training partners and having the best coaches around. I knew I prepared the best I could; I was training twice a day, 6 days a week for my fight. I knew in my heart that regardless of the outcome, I put in the hard work and dedication. I believed in myself.

And thankfully, the result was positive.

With all that said, believe in yourself. Believe in you when no one will. We’re our own worst enemies, and more importantly, our own strongest advocates. It’s amazing what humans can achieve when we believe in ourselves. Just remember, time moves by fast and days become months, months become years. Whatever is on our mind that we want to achieve, take the first step.

It could be the best step of your life!